I’ve heard passivity is a common issue in men who struggle with sex addiction. My husband is crippled by it. I find myself becoming extremely disappointed with him and hopeless about our future when he gets this way. I’ll give you a little background:
DH & I have been battling his porn addiction for about 3 ½ years. It’s at the point now where he doesn’t fall often because we work hard to block all of his access, but anytime he has an opportunity, he will take it. We have boundaries in place for when he falls. Up until now those boundaries have been that he moves out for a week. Last time I said NO MORE and we have decided (with the help of our counselor) that next time he will move out for a month, then 60 days, then 90 days, plus he will have to become accountable to our senior pastor which may jeopardize his job (he is the college pastor).
My issue right now is that, after he messes up, there’s like this moment (or few days) of clarity. He does what he knows he needs to be doing to get better – meets with accountability partner, reads his Bible/prays, is close and connected with me (as opposed to isolating himself). Bet every single time without fail all of that momentum stops after a week at the most. He stops following through with everything, plus he starts isolating himself at home playing video games which makes his mood go down the toilet and kills our connection. Plus he gets really angry with me if I want to talk about it, says he can’t handle any more “pressure” from me. Our counselor has even asked him to start doing very specific things like attending multiple meetings, scheduling his time out so he doesn’t isolate/check out in unhealthy ways, calling accountability partners, etc. And he’s not following through! He says he just feels like he doesn’t have time or energy after work to do all those things. About which I usually try to be understanding, but really just want to say “Get your priorities straight!”
I’m just fed up and I don’t know what to do. I’ve expressed it to him, I’ve expressed it in our counseling meetings, but he’s not changing anything. Today he spent probably 7 hours playing video games in his office after we JUST talked about how destructive it is for him to isolate himself and check out like that. I don’t want to walk around disappointed in him anymore, I know that’s not good for either of us. But I also don’t want to just overlook the lack of effort to get better. It just seems like he wants to be better, but he’s not willing to do the work to get there. And I don’t know what my role in this should be. Help?
My Blog: http://IamhisEzer...ogspot.com
Hummm...I can relate to this guy a lot. Just this year I finally sold the Xbox and stop playing video games. Just was taking up too much of my time. Anyway, well actually your husband is taking action just not the type of action you want or feel is healthy. He is choosing. Everyday he isolates and is participates in unhealthy decisions he is taking action. The reason he does that is that he is not done yet most likely. He may have to move out more until the pain is screaming at him so loudly that he will take the right action.
However, to be fair often times healing and changing behavior takes time but you've been at this for over three years so I really like the boundaries you've put in place that should help. Good job, those boundaries sound just like my wife's.
What is your role? As you probably know you can't change him and boundaries are really there to protect you not punish him or force him to change. I'd really concentrate on your own healing and walk with God. Keep those boundaries in place and by all means enforce them when you need to. Sometimes a man feeds off of crisis and if you behave calmly and disconnect from him he will see he can't manipulate anymore.
Some guys are deeply resentful of their wives and they will act out to feel powerful or "in control" again. Often they don't even understand this motivation until they can talk about it in counseling.
Overall, keep talking with a counselor and develop a plan in place if he stays stuck and you move on in your own healing, what does that look like? What practical things will you do to stay healthy?
Everyday he isolates and participates in unhealthy decisions he is taking action.
Mmm good insight. And I guess this really is what I'm feeling. Like he's clearly choosing his addiction/comfort rather than health and our relationship.
The reason he does that is that he is not done yet most likely. He may have to move out more until the pain is screaming at him so loudly that he will take the right action.
Sigh... my fears exactly. But I know you're probably right. Unfortunately that cause ME a ton of pain too and I always hope it won't come to that. I will follow through, but I would give anything to not have to.
Some guys are deeply resentful of their wives and they will act out to feel powerful or "in control" again.
I'm not sure if this is exactly related or not but your thought here made me think of something else I wanted to ask you. I hope it's ok to just tack it on to this thread.
DH has confessed that sometimes (especially when we separate) he finds himself daydreaming or fantasizing about getting divorced and being single again. About the freedom and lack of responsibility. He knows it's not what he really wants and would be miserable if it really happened, but he has let himself entertain the idea a lot. On the one hand, I understand this a little. I've had my own moments of missing the easy, single life. But on the other hand, it hurts tremendously and I fear how vulverable these thoughts make him to cheating. Maybe I'm jumping to far.
I guess my question is, did you experience these same thoughts and do you have any insight about what it really means for us?
My Blog: http://IamhisEzer...ogspot.com
Great question, I hardly know of any man who hasn't thought about being single again and most of us like your husband really know that is not what we want but the thoughts do come from time to time and more often when things are difficult.
Most sex addicts that I know of are deeply co-dependant on their wives meaning that they are attempting to get their sense of value & worth from their women. Since orgasm is like a god to us we often find ourselves not being honest and upfront with our wives for fear of getting cut off sexually. We also are deeply hurt if you guys don't show us positive regard all the time which is unreaonable but we do it. It's like the one place we want to be King is in our home, in our home we want to be respected, we want to be in control, we want others to admire us & praise us for in the real world we are often just common men making a living and we don't get much recognition. Thus we put a huge deal of how our families are going and if they are going poorly then ultimately we have failed in the one place we had a shot at succeeding. Good recovery will help him face the reality that you are not his god, his source of worth but simply a soul mate as vulerable and as weak as he is. This will help him lean on God instead of you. This will also help him find contentment in his marriage and thus kill those thoughts of cheating.
The more he works on co-dependency & sexual recovery the better chance he has at placing you in the proper place within his heart and the less chance he will cheat.
But for most wives recovery means taking huge risks & enduring a lot of pain. I wish their was an easier way but usually there is not. My wife risked me leaving each time she threw me out of the house for my behavior. Ultimately it paid off as I got serious once the pain was intense.
But to be honest in the midst of that time I was very tempted with an affair...very tempted. There is no guarantees of course but I wanted to be honest with you.
Yes, it makes a lot of sense. And I appreciate your brutal honesty. This is a brutal reality we live in.
It's fascinating to think of my husband as co-dependent. He is not one you would normally think of that way and I know he will have a very hard time accepting that he is as it comes up in recovery. But I can see the truth of it. That is why he cannot stand to hear anything other that positivity and affirmation from me. Anything that comes close to disapproval or disappointment (from me only) sends him into a rage or deep numbness and depression.
Thank you so much for your time and putting so much thought into your responses.
My Blog: http://IamhisEzer...ogspot.com
Prayer Partner sign-ups are available for this month. This admin missed her month. My apologies. SIgn-ups are available until Wednesday to catch anyone gone for the holiday weekend.
Hi ladies, blessings to you summer! Haven't been here in a while but been thinking of you! Thought I missed out on the september prayer partners but can't find it anywhere?
I wish I was able to follow all that is going on with all you lovely ladies. Know despite that I pray for all of you & am so blessed to have you in my life!
