I've been married about 2 years. I knew before I married my husband that he had viewed pornography before and that it was somewhat of a struggle. We got an internet filter on our computer shortly after we got married. That seemed to work for about a year and a half and then I found out (because I asked if he had looked at porn at all) that he had viewed porn 3 or 4 times in 1 week and it happened at work when no one was there. He then admitted to me he thought maybe he was "addicted" to it because he obviously went a long time with out looking and then he stumbled back into it.
Now he claims that he doesn't not want to do it and that he is working on it (which I believe to him working on it means "just trying" nothing else, no books, no talking to someone, no praying). This is where I am not sure what to think. My husband is honest man. If I ask he will tell. He doesn't lie. But I just can't help but feel if he was TRULY and I mean TRULY serious about his problem then he would be doing anything in his power to have victory over it. But then I come back to how he is such a quiet man and has a hard time opening up to anyone even me his wife. I don't want to make excuses for him, but I want to believe him, but yet I am just not sure.
Now, I have a few questions that I am needing counsel on.
1) What exactly is the definition of a "porn addiction"? I have read stories that sound a lot worse than mine, so I am confused, my husband says he has an "addiction" to it. I don't want to downplay my situation, so I ask does it sound like he has an addiction?
2) I just had a baby 5 weeks ago, and am about to go to my postpartum exam, I have to be honest, I am not looking forward to having sex with him. He cuddles with me and I go through the motions and just do it but deep inside I am SO incredibly hurt (I am starting to cry as I type this). I have thoughts of "I wonder if he is thinking about what he has watched" or "I wonder if he got this 'move' because he saw it in a porno". I have no desire to be intimate with him, especially if I don't know if he is viewing porn or not. I need help, what do I do?
3) He used to tell me if he masturbated (in the beginning of our marriage) but does not any more. He said it is because of the way I have responded to him in the past. I don't understand I must have missed that. Its like he doesn't think I should be angry or hurt and that because he told me I should be ok and "help him". Once again, how I can I be of help to him. I want him to be able to come to me. I know I have screwed up int he past and freaked out or used it against him but I am sincerely trying to do right and be there for him and go through this with him (once again though, I wonder how bad he wants to change).
4) He just got a blackberry and tonight I brought up that I didn't think it was a good idea. He got angry with me and said "I will have this blackberry no matter what I am not exchanging it and it will not be a problem". I am once again so hurt, he doesn't understand that I don't want to be hurt again and I am trying to help us. I feel so worn out on the issue, I feel like I only care. It is ALWAYS on my mind. I am constantly wondering if he has viewed it at work, and now I am going to be worrying about the phone. It eats at me. He has told me in the past he has a problem with looking at other women and just "sexual issues" he calls it and I have all this information in my head about him but yet I don't see him working on it.
I need counsel. I have NO WHERE to go. This is a serious issue and I feel I can't talk to anyone about it. I talked to his mom she knows but she isn't much help. I have thought about talking to our Pastor and I even asked my husband but he thinks I am doing it for selfish reasons, which the more I think about the more I feel so what this is about OUR MARRIAGE. I just don't want to betray him by talking to someone.
I don't have a ton of time, but wanted to respond and say you've come to a great place to talk through these things...welcome, though I'm sorry to 'meet' under these conditions...
I'll try to write more later, but know you are far from alone...
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV
Hi, Katieplus2. I feel your pain so deeply - I'm right there with you. My husband is in denial about the depth of his problem with porn and refuses to see the seriousness of the issue or admit he needs help. I'm struggling as well, so I don't have much in the way of profound words of wisdom. I can tell you one area where I'm starting to make some headway.
I've been right there with you, obsessing over what my husband is viewing or thinking about or where he's getting his next fix. I've tried sneaking up behind him when he's on his laptop to see what he's doing and trying to check the history (which doesn't work since he's started private browsing). The obsessive wondering can drive you crazy. I can tell you one thing I've learned through my reading: God wants me to stop worrying about what my husband is doing, and start focusing on my relationship with God. Such a simple thought, but so hard to do!
We can't control what our husbands do, and we'll only make ourselves miserable trying to control their actions (including, in my experience, sleepless nights, panic attacks, and inability to focus on anything else). Only our husbands and God can have any lasting effect on that behavior. We have to offer that up to God, put Him in control of it, and focus on getting ourselves right with God.
That's as far as I've gotten in this painful journey, and I still struggle with wondering what he's up to. Every time I start obsessing though I will stop myself and once again turn it over to God. I've stopped trying to control what I can't control. It has given me a certain small measure of peace as I struggle on, seeking God's will.
Some books that have really helped me understand the evil of pornography and how it is affecting my marriage, as well as how to set boundaries and how to seek God's face in all this, are:
- Living with Your Husbands Secret Wars by Marsha Means
- Hope After Betrayal by Meg Wilson
- An Affair of the Mind by Laurie Hall
- Every Man's Battle by Arterburn, Stoeker, and Yorkey
I've also heard good things about Breaking Free by Russell Willingham, but haven't read it yet. And of course, the Bible is essential in seeking God.
It has also been helpful for me to keep a journal of my thoughts, feelings, and interactions with my husband so that when he tries to twist my thoughts or deny what has really happened, I have an account to confirm that no, I'm not losing my mind. I can also pour out the pain and anger on the page, release it, and not direct it onto my family.
I will pray for you and your family. I'm new to this community too, but I've found it is a great resource and haven in this struggle. You are welcome here.
I understand your story - it sounds a lot like mine. I knew my dh had a problem when we married 11 years ago -but thought he had it all taken care of.
As for the addiction - I think there are a wide range of levels - so it's kind of unclear. One thing that our marriage counselor did (a really wonderful Godly man) - he asked my dh in a session to define his addiction and why he felt he was addicted. I think that helped both of us better understand (and stopped my imagination from running away to all sorts of scenarios.)
I need to dash now to get to a dentist appt. But I just felt compelled to reach out with a hug. I completely understand the sense of anxiety you feel. This is a good and safe place to start. I know the ladies here have been angels interceding on my behalf many times.
More soon -
Love,
em "Beloved, do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. He who does good is of God, he who does evil has not seen God." 3 John 1:11
Thanks all for the encouragement Any that I can get is of help! I feel like I have made new friends. I like this!! ha Nice to know I am not alone although I don't wish this upon anyone.
Welcome to our site. I'm sorry for why you are here, but thankful you came for support.
What you are feeling is normal. However, I must warn you about the ALWAYS thinking about it part. This can end up consuming a wife, and that's not the life God has planned for you.
Pray for your husband. Ask God to convict him and help him understand the depths of this issue. The biggest of which is that it is blocking his relationship with God. Second, it is causing problems with you.
I have been married for almost 17 years, and we have 3 children. My husband has struggled our ENTIRE marriage. So, I understand what you are going through.
Find peace within you. Work on YOUR relationship with your Father in heaven who loves you dearly. Things will start to look different.
God bless you,
Jill
A Woman's beauty comes from Christ within her!
I relate so much to your story. Sounds a LOT like where I'm at right now. DH and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and I was also involved in his recovery before we got married. We've had a few years now of some serious ups and downs. Some triumphs, lots of relapses. Right now I'm at the place that you're talking about - I think about it all the time, am constantly trying to "read" him. Every time something happens, DH re-commits to "trying harder" but it only lasts about a week at this point. He doesn't looks at porn that frequently but he just seems to go back to acting like nothing ever happened, and stops pursuing and means of getting better. I'm just super frustrated right now because it seems like, while he wants to be better, he's not willing to do the work to get there. He stops going to meetings, stops reading his Bible, spending time with God, he starts isolating himself (which always makes things worse). We meet with a counselor and he's just not following through with the things she asks of him. It's really disappointing.
I wish I had a lot of good advice for you. I used to give women all kinds of advice about this because DH and I had it "figured out". But I've learned that we really had nothing figured out and we're still on the same roller coaster as everyone else.
It was good for me to read desifink's comment about running back to God. It's advice I used to give to other women too, but for some reason I've stopped taking it myself. I know for me I got to a point where I just decided this should've been over by now and ever since that point I have had a very hard time having patience about it or wanting to do the work on my end. I just want it to be OVER and I want to put that responsibility solely on my husband. Guess I need to look in the mirror a bit more.
Well, Katie, prayers and hugs for you. I definitely know what you're feeling and I'm so sorry you're having to feel it.
My Blog: http://IamhisEzer...ogspot.com
There is a lot of information if you read old posts and search through the Ask An Overcomer section. Read and see what highlights to your situation. Most of us have been here. Obsessing, feeling nothing but going through the motions, not wanting to betray DH's trust.
Things changed in our marriage when I stopped trying to 'help' or 'save our marriage' and put the responsibility in his lap. I had my own issues to work on with God and I was. He needed to do his part or move out. It took me 18 years before I could stand with the Armor of God (Ephesian 6) and set a boundary.
Pray and search.
((HUGS)) and
Inger
Edited by OvercomingthruHim on 07/27/2010 22:50
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
Katie-
Throwing out more prayers for you! I can really relate to your story. We are 3 years since my DH told me of his "issue" (he still doesn't say "addiction". I still battle a lot with trust and control.
There are so many wonderful women here with such words of wisdom, I agree go back and read older posts and definitely check out the Ask an Overcomer section.
Bless you and stay strong!
Kim-
You are the potter, I am your clay. Mold me to your will.
. I still battle a lot with trust and control. 
