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All falling apart
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| Callie |
Posted on 02/26/2010 15:22
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New Member
Posts: 57
Joined: 29.10.08
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Well, my world is upside down and falling apart. We found out on New Years Eve that Im pregnant. Shortly following that was massive Hyperemesis. I have been soo sick, and the whole time my DH has been sort of...alternating between sweet and angry at me. He totally perceives this as me not being that sick, me not trying hard enough, me trying to get attention. Ive been at my moms for ever a week trying to get this under control. I spent the first 3 days with an IV in my arm and now have a medicine pump in my leg for 24/7 medication. I have moved very little since then because even with medication, motion makes me sick. Im so borderline on dehydration that I wake up every morning on the edge of whats allowed ketone wise before Im required to have an IV again. This whole time, DH refuses to even take a night off of gaming, and gets so angry with me because Im not magically better and cleaning the house for him. This week, I got a phone call from my doctor. I've tested positive for HPV, the high risk strain. I know for 100% certainty that I didnt come up with this on my own. So I called DH. I tried to be very diplomatic when asking him if theres something he needs to tell me. His first comment was "Hmm, let me think." followed by a long pause where he admitted that he'd slept with someone else before we got married ( massive news to me). He denied that anything had happened since we've been married. After that, he called me back to suggest that I was the one that needed to confess something and that I had 3 options. 1)I could come clean. 2) I could accept that he was telling the truth or 3) We could call it quits. Then he hung up on me (but swears up and down now that he didnt). He left work early and came to talk. We talked a short while, but physically, Im not in good shape. Im getting down less than 700 calories a day, even with medication. Any motion at all makes me sick and the massive load of stress isnt helping either.
I went home for the first time last night in almost a week. The ride home made me sick and I spend the next two hours trying desperately to not throw up. BTW, the house was completely trashed, I couldnt have cooked anything in my kitchen even if I *could* stand up long enough for it. This morning, my ketones were above the OK mark and I knew if I didnt get them down quickly, I was looking at IV fluids again by this afternoon. I cant even take care of my kids right now, and my husbands response to all of this:
" I will make it as easy as possible for you to feed and water yourself... but I do not believe (and I truly know you don't either, and are just hiding behind a facade) that you are incapable of what I mentioned above"
My marriage is falling apart though I know it's been in trouble for some time. Im just at a total loss now. I know in my absence that the porn issue is seriously in play, as well as his secondary addiction, WOW. He refuses to even take a night off from his game to help me or take care of the kids. What do I do now? |
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| hopeful |
Posted on 02/26/2010 18:30
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Administrator
Posts: 2352
Joined: 10.04.07
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I don't have much time at the moment, but wanted to let you know I'm praying and will write more soon...
So sorry things are so bad right now...praying for strength and people to come around and support you, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually...
((((((((hugs)))))))
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV |
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| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 02/26/2010 20:31
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Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
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Praying Callie.
I'm sorry to say but I think he's made his priorities pretty clear. He's made his boundaries pretty clear. He made his ultimatums pretty clear. Can you live with them?
Where are yours? Your health needs to be number one. Glad you went to your moms. The way the counselor explained things to me in the depths of our issues is when a man is guilty he comes back hard and throws it back in the persons face.
You keep looking for him to change. My guess is you won't get his permission or support to be ill. It is inconvenient. Dear lady, don't keep knocking your head against that wall so to speak. Every time he rejects your plea it hurts and is another dart straight to your heart. The reality is this medical stuff is very real and so is his reaction. Start reacting within what is real, not what's hoped for.
Perhaps confronting the faithfulness issues might wait until after the medical emergency. Right now they are aggravating him and stressing you out. Pick your battles. From my very small glimpse it seems right now the baby and you are the priority.
None of this is easy. I'm sorry you are going through this. This situation really sucks.  I am just a person with very little real life understanding of all the minute details. While you rest and breath, pray and seek His counsel. Count on Him not DH. Protect your health and your heart right now. ((HUGS))
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
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| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 02/26/2010 20:52
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Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
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Do you have resources near you? People, real live people you can talk to? Places you can go? Back to moms?
Going into worship dear one. Your needs do count. Your health does count. It's not against God's will. It's not failing as a wife.
Edited by OvercomingthruHim on 02/26/2010 20:57
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
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| Jellybean62 |
Posted on 02/28/2010 08:15
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Senior Contributor
Posts: 718
Joined: 08.08.07
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Callie,
I went through this with my PGs. And Dh was a selfish butt about it. I couldn't work anymore and resigned myself to getting through it on my own. Dh was in full blame mode. I agree with Inger on this. Don't waste your energy thinking this will play upon his grace and compassion for you. I know how hard this is. I really know. Lets get you to a place where this can be clear in your head. Let God take the place of DH right now....tell him what you need and how you need it. NOTHING! Will make your DH come around until he see' it through his own eyes. After the second child I said NO MORE! And I also got real goodf telling my DH what I needed him to accomplish with out a honey do list. I was not real kind about it. But it was what worked for us.
Praying for you , your health and family.
Jellybean
Edited by Jellybean62 on 02/28/2010 08:16
If we have not love we have nothing |
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| breakthrough4ME |
Posted on 03/01/2010 02:20
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Senior Contributor
Posts: 909
Joined: 11.11.08
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I'm so sorry u are going through this. My pregnancies were similar. Needless to say the complications and hospital stays weren't enough for my dh to get a grip. In fact his behavior got increasingly worse over time.
Right now your focus is God, you, the baby and your children. A huge part of my success had everything to do with putting God first in my life. I reached out to my parents (who were fully aware of my marital issues).
My babies are 15 months apart. By the time I was 5 months pregnant with the 2nd, I had had enough. My health was failing. My complications were out of the box and he was just not there for us. I left my home and the city I love to stay with my parents.
Its been a year and a half and a lot of obstacles, but I can say that prayer changes your heart and God changes people. DH and I are reconciling and making plans for the future.
I don't want you to think that I'm saying to end your marriage. Sometimes we (us girls) need/ deserve a break from their (hubbies) shanigans. We deserve to be loved and we all deserve a space to heal.
I want you to know I am praying for you and your family. Its a lot to bare. Turn all this "stuff" over to God. HE will not let you down.
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| Brlwliveoutloud |
Posted on 03/03/2010 07:05
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Administrator
Posts: 4854
Joined: 18.06.06
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Callie, how are you feeling now, and what's going on? Please update when you can.
Thanks,
Jill
A Woman's beauty comes from Christ within her! |
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| Callie |
Posted on 03/08/2010 10:12
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New Member
Posts: 57
Joined: 29.10.08
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Update: Im finally home from moms house. I basically just left all the issues alone and dealt only with trying to get better. He is (as usual) pretending like nothing happened and nothing is wrong. My pastor has both suggested a counseling center and offered to do counseling with us. My DH's comment last night was that he didnt think he would get anything out of it, or be told anything he doesnt already know and that he'd be bored. I suggested that it certainly wouldnt *hurt* anything for us to go. He didnt agree but couldnt come up with anything more specific than to shake his head. I will be going regardless, first probably to my pastor and his wife who have both been so loving and supportive to me through the last few weeks. They have dealt with SA in their own relationship and are so understanding. I found out last night that DH has been using our Wii to surf the internet inappropriately and so has been able to get around our safety measures. I am not surprised and had suspected for quite a while that he was managing this somehow, just never dawned on me he could do it through the game system. Over all, things are not all that different. Last night it seemed like he was determined to pick a fight with me. The night started out fine, I was talking about how different personality wise our two girls are. I was just babbling along about their differences when he decides to focus on one thing (spanking) and just totally go to town on it. Spanking has never worked well with our oldest daughter, it's counter productive because of her strong willed personality. DH wasnt even THERE when our oldest was little (long story but he wasnt even part of her life till she was 6) so he never even saw what Im talking about. He was adamant that if I had gone about it differently that spanking would have worked fine and that I had just catered to her and basically totally failed to grasp the whole point of discipline! He went on how he'd never heard of spanking not working and how unlikely he thought it was that I was telling the truth (!). And his ending line on that subject was "Its just like homeschooling, you've totally made up your mind that you are right and are totally close minded!" I just sat there reeling that he was going to come after me on all these subjects. I finally just stopped talking because everything I said, he'd repeat back to me differently with his own conclusion as to what it meant thrown in. Each time, it was twisted and not what I said at all. Im so mentally tired of the verbal gymnastics I have to do just to explain things to him in a way he cant twist or misunderstand. I know he's Aspergers and the whole logic/word specificity thing is what they do and how they think but Im so tired of having to talk with legal precision so he doesnt miss the whole point because he's basically critiquing everything I say for inconsistencies. I plan to see if the family counselor we go to has experience with Asperger's. I believe that if we could get into counseling with someone who understands the way he thinks, we could build from there. IF he'll go. If not, at that point I dont know that Ill have much in the way of choices.
Sorry this ended up so long, it's just been such a long month. |
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| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 03/08/2010 20:44
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Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
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Thankful for the update and glad to know you are doing better physically. Praying wisdom for the journey and wisdom for the counselor.
((HUGS)) and never apologize for length. It is what it is.
Inger
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
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| Gramapat |
Posted on 03/09/2010 06:12
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Tribal Elder
Posts: 1450
Joined: 19.08.07
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I plan to see if the family counselor we go to has experience with Asperger's.
I am sending you a PM about this- my DH is a recently diagnosed Aspie- as are both my daughters and my eldes grandson....it only compounds the addiction issues as they do not see things the way others do....
Gramapat
O come, let us sing to the Lord;
let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise! |
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