Hi,
this is the first time I've ever posted or started a thread so please bear with me if I do this all wrong.
I recently found out that my bf has been m/bing to porn almost everyday we have been dating. It blew my mind because I knew he had used porn in high school but he swore it was something he was done with. Come to find out he has been severly addicted since 8th grade (he is finishing college this may), it broke my heart because that is a long time to carry that around all by yourself. It also hurt incredibly to find that out because he was and is the first and only person I've been intimate with. Long before I knew about the porn I'd wished I could take what we've done back, I'd always thought I'd honor God and save myself for my wedding night...ehhh long different story..
Anyway, I came into this relationship completly clueless about alot of things, and now I realize I dug mself into a really big hole. My bf was into extremly hard-core porn, too perverted for me to type without blushing. I now know alot of what we've done isn't right, isn't normal and should not even be done when your married. My bf is extremely sensitive to what he percives as rejection, so I say that I love everything he wants to do to me, b/c when I try to mention I don't like/don't want to do a certain something he gets really mad b/c he feels like I'm not attracted to him. I am very attracted to him. But I am not going to be sexual before marriage anymore. For now he is ok with that but still talks about things he wants to do once we're married.
I don't know how to tell him that I really don't like the S & M things we've been doing. A little rough play is one thing, but when he hits me in the face, chokes me, that whole thing I feel so unloved. I don't want to make him feel rejected by me, but I don't think when God made sex he wanted one person to end up black and blue.
How do I tell him I don't want to ever have S&M sex again, without making him think I don't want him?
Plus if I stop doing these things will he go back to the porn to get the fix?
Please & Thank you, I need some persective.
Sorry it was sooo long!
Well there is so much I want to say, I'm not sure where to begin.
First off, I'm sorry if I offend but your BF is a very hurt, confused person. hurting someone else in the act of sex is not normal, healthy or acceptable I don't care how it might be accepted by a lot of people, it is wrong, period. There are some deep issues within his heart if he feels that is OK.
Most sex addicts are emotionally stunted deeply. Somewhere in our childhood we stopped growing emotionally and thus we can't stand the pain of rejection, failure, comparison and insignificance. We are desperate people and if your BF can't stand being criticised then he should not be getting married he is too immature & insecure. Take the struggles that you deal with now and times them by ten and that is what you will face after marriage.
I would encourage you to be totally honest with him. If he feels rejected then let it happen. See how he responds, if he runs from you, or lashes out at you that is what you will have to live with after marriage. He must face honesty from you and not freak out. If he does then he is not ready for marriage. Honesty must be a foundation of your relationship, if he can manipulate you into silence you are heading into a tough marriage.
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Thank you for your insight, please do not ever hold back your opinion for fear of offending me. I'm really lost right now and any information from someone who has wisdom regarding this area is appreciated.
He told me today he has slipped 2x in the last 3 days. When he tells me he has used it I don't know how to respond. I'm hurt of course, but I don't want to drop that on him b/c he's usually very down and apologetic. He says he's sorry, I say I know, I forgive him and still love him. I want to tell him that I'm hurting, but I don't know if that's selfish b/c he already is dealing w/ stopping the addiction & that would be more "stuff" for him to have to deal with...?
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i know you can't really answer this but is there a chance he is honestly sorry? or is it most likely another lie? I don't know if it comes from the heart or if he says it just to comfort me...
This weekend I am planning on telling him about not wanting to do violent/degrading acts ever again, even after marriage. Will have to wait and see how it goes. I am bracing myself for the chance that he may decide he no longer wants to be with me b/c of this. I will be incredibly sad if that happens, but then I guess I'll know he was only in it for freaky sex and be forced to move on.
If he takes it well and respects my wishes, maybe there will be hope for us!
Praying God for to let whatever is best for both of us happen.
I wish you well. Last night my 18 year old daughter sobbed on our shoulders as she finally broke it off with a young man whose heart was not going towards the Lord. We were so sad to see him wander away but very proud of our kid who stood up for what was right no matter how painful.
I just am sad to see that you apparently cannot be honest with this guy for fear of depressing him or making him feel horrible. That is a sign of deep insecurity and immaturity. I hope that he has a chance to really allow the Lord to dig into that part of his life so that he can walk free. Must be miserable not to able to even listen to correction without diving into deep depression.
Sounds like he has set you up as his "savior". If you are happy with him then life is tolerable if not, then apparently he drives off a cliff emotionally. That is co-dependant behavior that will destroy relationships. I don't know your guy so I can't say with clear totality but a person that co-dependant will almost say anything to keep the person around him that makes him feel important. Sorry, I wish I could be more encouraging.
You are a child of God, a daughter in the Kingdom, the Father doesn't want you to be abused in any regard and it shouldn't be ok with you to be treated that way either. I hope & pray that your decision will be based on how God sees and values you. I don't think you see yourself or value yourself as the Lord does. I wonder why? But that is another story I'm sure.
