I'm struggling with my husband not wanting to look at me or be near me right now. The sad thing for me, is the realization how even things that I don't think should be a problem, really are a stumbling block to him at this point. I got some new clothes (not what I'd consider revealing) and a new haircut... he wouldn't say if he liked my hair and said he wasn't going to look at me below the neck. We don't sleep in the same bed. We can't change clothes in the same room. My little boys birthday is this week and we thought of getting a hotel room so we could take them swimming, but he could be in the pool with me (swimsuit) and he couldn't share the bed at the hotel with me. He said that I could take the kids (ages 2 and 5) and he'd stay home. Last night he said he was really struggling because he just wanted to touch me. He isn't satisfied with non-sexual touch. I think he is trying to have a sexual fast, which I'm perfectly fine with. I just never realized how much trouble visual stimulation was for him.
I guess my question is, Is this common? To avoid me completely to keep himself from being too turned on?
If he is doing a sexual fast then for heaven's sake he should have talked with you first and got you to buy in with it. Sheesh if he doing a sexual fast without getting your permission it's just another case of selfishness and arrogance and control. Good grief, a sexual fast is a two person deal. He is taking sex from you without talking about first? If he were my mentee I'd be angry with him.
But back to your question is it common for a guy who is addicted to sex to struggle like this? Yes it is. When I was doing my 60 days of sexual fasting I asked my wife to not change her clothes in front of me, I couldn't cuddle in bed, and sometimes I simply went to bed at another time than she did because it was very hard for me to be near her and know that I couldnt' have sex with her. But after about 2-3 weeks I calmed down and we had some rather frank discussions and I learned that I enjoyed being around her for the friendship and we kinda went back to dating again which has cool.
Be aware of something however, a lot of sex addicts deeply (and sometimes secretly) resent their wives. We feel that you hold so much power over us (that we gave to you) and so often times we might push you away to feel like we have some shred of dignity left. So if we can take sex away from you it gives us a since of false control and now we have some power to punish you for those feelings of control.
It took me years before I could carass my wife without it turning into something sexual so yes, most sex addicts are easily turned on espeically when we are doing the sexual fast. I'm just not thrilled that he is getting your input about the fast am I off base here?
Let me back up... I don't want you angry at my hubby without the whole story. I know you are super busy, but this is the thread that tells my story: http://www.partnersforpurity.com/forum/viewthread.php?thread_id=4960&rowstart=0
I haven't been very interested in sex in quite a while... had some physical issues when we first got married... and then as my weight went up I have felt less able to perform and less attractive to myself. Maybe its my libido and maybe its the porn, not sure.
From the time I told my husband in mid-November until probably mid-January, he had been m-bing every 1-3 days. He hadn't been looking at porn other than one slip that he confessed to having. I've never liked him doing it. (I think it sounds gross and how do I really know what he is visualizing in his head?) I had asked him to quit several times but he insisted that he had to have the relief, that was the way his body worked. About a week ago, we had been talking and he said he has been "sober" for a couple months. I've been reading your notes on being sober and knew that meant no m-bing, too. I told him that. I said if he was serious maybe he should consider doing a total sexual fast (including no more m-bing). He had heard of the fast and said he was considering that... that was Jan 30th. He sounded like he understood all the reasons for not m-bing. (He's very scientific so I tried to relay what you had said about it doing the same thing with the chemicals in your body whether you are watching porn or just mentally visualizing something).
Jump ahead to this past Monday... he comes home from work and said he'd probably be m-bing that night as all the rest of the week he'd be working at a grain elevator that had indecent pictures all over. That really upset me! I asked if he was starting the fast or not? I thought he was. I shared with him my experience with fasting (from food) and how if I made one little allowance how easy it was to blow the whole fast. He remembered how I struggled with fasting and would think about what he should do. Tonight (Saturday) I had asked him how things had been going and was shocked to hear that he had taken care of things Thursday night because of the stuff he had been seeing at work. He felt he just HAD to... so I guess the answer is no, he is not currently doing a fast...
My next question for you is, since he doesn't seem ready to stick to a complete fast, do you feel that his recovery time will be hampered? I know each person recovers differently, but isn't it similar to other addictions, if you allow yourself some of the "forbidden fruit" its easier to fall the next time? I miss being with him (not just sexually) but being in bed, sitting on the couch. I just wish we could be comfortable around each other again.
My next question for you is, since he doesn't seem ready to stick to a complete fast, do you feel that his recovery time will be hampered? I know each person recovers differently, but isn't it similar to other addictions, if you allow yourself some of the "forbidden fruit" its easier to fall the next time? I miss being with him (not just sexually) but being in bed, sitting on the couch. I just wish we could be comfortable around each other again.
My story was one where I tried to make a deal with God. I'd only masturbate on the weekends or only once a month or whatever...it never worked but learning that was part of recovery at least for me. If it was ok for me to sin once a week then I'd do it 3 times. If it is ok for me to break my sobriety once every 4 months then I'd do it every month.
I've never seen a man recovery who plays around with lust. He has to agree that it must stop totally, no mb, no porn, period. If a man doens't agree to that then its just a matter of time before he is back into his sin.
Mimimizing & justifying are a huge trap for addicts. We can find all kinds of reasons why we "HAD" to mb...it's all a bunch of cr*p. Now bear in mind that your husband "might" feel that he has no choice. He might really believe that if he sees stuff he must masturbate...that is the power of addiction, it is impossible to say no to lust by ourselves & in our own strength.
How do we get better? By humbling ourselves, admitting the truth, rejecting the lies and learning to accept help from other men in this battle. Without that help, there is little victory. Men generally hate to walk in humiity and I've even seen men try and use God as a way to avoid it. They will seek some mirculous "deliverance" to avoid the humility part. If they can confess to God they despeartely hope that is enough and God isn't fooled. Clearly in James it says He will oppose the proud and give grace to the humble. Gotta walk the humble path.
Until your husband accepts the humilty then things will probably get worse and you will feel even more pressure to compromise and look the other way. I pray you will not. While things will probably get worse for a time it is the only way for men to recover. We must face the pain of our decisions. If you accept this in your marriage then that comfortable place of being with your husband will never come. Better to go through hard times now and hopefully get to that place of comfort than to compromise and never have a chance at a lasting healthy marriage.
So how do I deal with this? He obviously isn't at that humble point yet where he will trust God to help give it up completely. I can't force him to that point. I don't know that he has covered it in counseling with either our pastor or the professional Christian counselor. I'm not sure where either of them stand at this point. My husband doesn't usually say much of anything about either counseling visit with me so I have no idea how its going.
He still wants sex and asks when I'll be ready to have it again. I don't know. He isn't quitting m-bing and although I have tried dressing more modestly for his sake, he still feels ok walking around in his boxers although I've asked him not to for my sake. I remind myself I can't force him to do anything, but in addition to praying, what can I do to encourage him?
My attempts to show him love in other ways has flopped... he told me I'm not speaking to him in his language but he doesn't know what that is right now since he is not allowing physical touch (previously thought to be his love language).
We even had a disagreement one day as to whether love was supposed to be sacrificial or not. I say yes (I may have sex with him when I'm not completely in the mood, but I know he wants/needs it and I enjoy it) and he says no.
I'm so frustrated I'm beginning to relive old arguments in my head as I type this...
After writing the previous message last night, I talked to my hubby again about the fast. He has decided its not for him. And apparently our pastor agrees. He keeps going back to the 1 Corinthians scripture about not withholding sex except by mutual consent.
He also said that he knows I'm trying to help, but I'm going at it the wrong way. He says he doesn't know what the right way is... but maybe I should talk to pastor and if pastor thinks my ideas would be helpful to hubby he will share them with him. Do you have resources that helped you through this? Any pertaining to the importance of the fast?
Also, my hubby shared that the moment he got to the grain elevator and saw the playboys, penthouses, and inappropriate posters, the fast just set him up for failure. He called me, he called pastor, he called his counselor. He claims he did everything he could to fight it... and then I asked if he called on God... he admitted that he hadn't. I told him the rest of us can't save him from his addiction but God can. He changed the topic and said at this time he won't be doing the fast.
Sigh...well your pastor isn't the first one to come to that conclusion regarding the sexual fast and using the 1 Cor. 7 chapter for support. I could go into a long explaination but the point that he is missing is that 1 Cor. 7 is talking about a typical marriage, Paul was writing that to the whole Cor. church not to an addicted marriage.
A man who worships sex is bowing down to an idol. A sexual fast is where 2 people agree to abstain so that the man can tear down the idol of sex/lust. If your husband doesn't agree with it then that is fine for both of you need to agree.
However, I wouldn't be so concerned with helping him. I really wouldn't. Wives can do little to help us really...I'm serious. The best you can do for your husband is to take care of yourself. What do you want from this marriage? What are you willing to tolerate?
I'd suggest you put together a "plan". A plan for what you want and how you will take care of yourself. Are you going to be a woman who allows herself to have a husband with a weird love/lust relationship with porn? If you don't put consequences to this behavior you are basically saying it's ok with you.
My wife basically said, "It's not ok that I have to share you with porn so you put together a solid plan on how you will get better, I'll put together a plan on how I will get better. Let's share our plans with the pastor & with an experienced counselor." This way you are not responsible for his recovery. It's a much better way to live.
Check out my essay on boundaries they really go into this in detail. It's at the top of the list on the "ask an overcomer" forum.
Last night he said he was really struggling because he just wanted to touch me. He isn't satisfied with non-sexual touch. I think he is trying to have a sexual fast, which I'm perfectly fine with. I just never realized how much trouble visual stimulation was for him.
