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SOOOO ANGRY
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| noteasilybroken |
Posted on 02/03/2010 11:46
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New Member
Posts: 52
Joined: 01.12.09
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Well I just found some porn that my husband rented at the local video store. I praise God that I found it. I knew and he always makes me feel like I am crazy.
I told him he has to leave. He told me this is why he didn't tell me. JERK!! Now I am left feeling like it's my fault he can't talk with me. I wouldn't react this way if he would just tell me before he gets caught.
I am so mad. I don't know what to do. |
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| hopeful |
Posted on 02/03/2010 13:55
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Administrator
Posts: 2352
Joined: 10.04.07
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I'm so sorry you found that...scratch that...I'm sorry HE rented it and that you had to find it...it is heartbreaking...
Don't allow him to make you feel like this is your fault. Did you warn him of the consequences? If so, he has no right to turn it around...
I don't blame you for being angry...your trust has been broken...again... Is he out of the house already?
I'll be praying peace for you tonight...
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18NIV |
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| Gramapat |
Posted on 02/03/2010 14:14
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Tribal Elder
Posts: 1450
Joined: 19.08.07
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Can I just say AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!
Just reading your post got me angry at him!
Now I am left feeling like it's my fault he can't talk with me.
Excuse me for being blunt, but that is just horse dung! It is not your fault- he is blame shifting and you do not have any reason to feel guilty.
HE is the one who rented it. HE is the one who brought it into your home.
Now, HE is the one who needs to clean up his behavior!
Huggs and prayers
Pat
O come, let us sing to the Lord;
let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise! |
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| noteasilybroken |
Posted on 02/03/2010 14:20
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New Member
Posts: 52
Joined: 01.12.09
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Maybe I am wrong? I have told him that he needs to come to me and tell me when he is being tempted or check in with me on his progress. I told him I have set boundries for myself and this house. So he really didn't know what my boundries were.
I got off work real early today and I just knew in my spirit something wasn't right. I had seen a text a couple of days ago from 411 about the local video store. It didn't bother me until last night we never rent movies from there and why wouldn't I know if he was going to rent a movie. I put two and two together and was really bothered. I stopped by there on my way home and asked if we had an account. Sure enough we do. The clerk said there was no resent activity. I said ok maybe he was just getting ready to and didn't.
I got home and he was picking up our daughter he didn't know I was coming home. I was trying to look around before he got home but he came in right after me but the way he reacted to me being there was really weird. Something told me to go check his car and there is was.
I was so mad I came in the house and started yelling at him. He was trying to shift the blame and I told him don't even think about it. I told him he needed to leave. He went back to sleep. I woke him up when it was time for him to leave for work. I again told him don't worry about the kids I will take care of school pick up/drop offs. He said you are really serious you don't won't me to come back here tonight. I told him I can't have this sin in our home. He needs to take this time to see if this is what he really wants. He got mad and grabbed some stuff and left.
Edited by noteasilybroken on 02/03/2010 14:22 |
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| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 02/03/2010 22:04
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Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
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((HUGS)) Pray and tuck in to the Lord. Ask His leading through this time. We walk beside you on this journey.
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Inger
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
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| eminmini |
Posted on 02/04/2010 04:25
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Administrator
Posts: 3420
Joined: 09.07.07
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Ughh - So sorry you have found yourself in this ugly situation.
You are right to be angry - you are hurt. But eventually you'll need to replace the energy from the anger and figure out what the next steps are. Know that somehow deep in your heart this is part a lesson for both of you - perhaps about boundaries and grace.
I know that my dh got irritated about something a week or so ago and threw into my face the boundary about losing computer access if porn was found on it. Thankfully we had clearly discussed this prior to the incident. So when the blameshifting happened - I was able to back up and restate the position. I needed though be to careful and do it with grace. By demonstrating grace (no matter how mad or hurt I am) keeps the fight in the open and fair, Instead of stealth.
((( hugs )))
Love,
em
"Beloved, do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. He who does good is of God, he who does evil has not seen God." 3 John 1:11 |
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| noteasilybroken |
Posted on 02/04/2010 07:24
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New Member
Posts: 52
Joined: 01.12.09
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After taking some time to think and pray. I felt like I needed to explain to dh that I am for this marriage and want him to be healthy and whole. That I was not trying to kick him out and say forget it.
I had a good talk with him while he was at work. He was trying to find somewhere to go after he got off. I told him I was wrong for not telling him the boundries before I ask him to leave. I set very clear boundries this time in good detail and he accepted. I explained that if he truly wants to be free then he has to make the right steps like his counseling and other class. I allowed him to come home because I felt that was right. He even told me well now I am affraid of doing this becuase I know what will happen. He said he repects that and understands.
My dh is very closed when it comes to talking about this stuff. Last night he told me a little information that gave me more insight on why this is so hard for him. The Lord began to show me this is far deeper than my marriage. He doesn't trust anyone to share with not even me. He still has huge walls up and he won't let me in. I believe that little by little God is tearing those walls down. I know I have no idea about his past and what he has really been through. Through his counseling I am hoping that he will work on some of these issues.
Seeing him through God's eyes has made me have compassion for him.
I guess the biggest lesson I learned last night would have been I have been screaming and crying about how I don't trust him all the mean while I don't think he has ever trusted anyone not even me That really broke my heart.
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| eminmini |
Posted on 02/04/2010 10:46
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Administrator
Posts: 3420
Joined: 09.07.07
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((( hugs )))
Wow what great insight.
My dh is too very closed off about things that have happened in the past. I didn't know until a few years ago when in frustration I said something was hopeless and he went off like a rocket. Seems his father and older brothers had nicknamed him hopeless as a kid. So there are wounds we trip over.
That's not to excuse bad behavior - and setting boundaries with clear expectations is good. Demonstrating grace without being a pushover is good too.
Praying his continued counseling will help open up the divide between you.
Love,
em
"Beloved, do not imitate what is evil, but what is good. He who does good is of God, he who does evil has not seen God." 3 John 1:11 |
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| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 02/04/2010 11:27
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Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
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One day at a time. Glad you went into prayer. It is vitally important to make things clear and not make this about them but the behavior. ((HUGS)) We all have our stuff to work through.
Dear Father,
I hold up this couple as they begin this journey in a new way. I pray for the right resources to be presented before them that fit their needs as individuals and as a couple. I pray open hearts and Your guidance to a new marriage. I pray this in Your Son's precious and holy name of Jesus Christ,
Amen
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
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| noteasilybroken |
Posted on 02/04/2010 18:02
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New Member
Posts: 52
Joined: 01.12.09
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Thank you for all your support! I am not able to talk with any one else about this or I should say I don't want to. People that have never gone through this don't understand.
I made myself a counseling appointment for next week. I need some extra help with my thinking straight.
After I wrote that last post I was doing laundry and found a lighter in the washing machine. I was again was wondering if he told me he stopped smoking why does he need a lighter. I waited for him to get up and I asked him if he had really stopped smoking. He said yes. I told him I was just wondering because I found a lighter in your pants and your car smells like an ash tray. He had nothing else to say. I told him there is no reason to lie to me. He chose not to say anthing else about it. These are the things that make me feel like I am going crazy. I know what I see and smell. It gets me so frustrated. Why can't he just tell me the truth?
These roller coaster rides are killing me. My job ended so now I am back home wishing I had my job back. At least it kept my mind on something else.
Any way thanks for sticking with me in all this drama. |
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| OvercomingthruHim |
Posted on 02/05/2010 13:16
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Administrator
Posts: 4006
Joined: 13.12.08
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What's wrong with just giving in to reality instead of trying to make things fit the fantasy? I totally understand where you are at and have been here and felt all of this. I was stuck here for 17 years. But at this point ...... why not approach things as if he's lying until the evidence proves different, instead of finding evidence and cornering him? The freedom in just accepting my husband was going to lie to me allowed my mind to free up and approach things different instead of defeated and crushed all the time.
The switch also freed husband up to approach things different because I was no longer trying to make him fit a mold he could not. It broke the cycle of pedestal hopes and the fall, pedestal hopes and the fall. If he was already on level ground then only other directions were leave or up. Does that make sense?
I still remember the day he said, 'So I'm like the boy who cried wolf only it's porn." And his tone was the type of tone that made my heart melt and want to back away .... but I didn't this time and chose to be very honest, "that is exactly where we are at. Your words give no comfort and do not instill trust. Everyone one of them is suspect and I'm to the point I don't know if I'm willing to wait around for the next lie. I am crushed and I need to start dealing with the reaiity rather than hoping this time around, after 17 years, will be different. I think it's past time for me accept this is a pattern and I need to accept my feelings about all of this will not change either.' His jaw completely dropped. I think it was the first moment he came to understood the amount of damage the lying had done. It was not as innocent as just trying to avoid an uncomfortable moment. (Which the counselor said was the motivation for men. They seem to think the offense is worse and to a woman the lying is the worst.) The lying had obliterated trust. If he was willing to lie about pixels, what else...... a person, money, his words of love to me, working, etc. There was no solid ground to stand on. Everything felt like it was floating and the platform I was floating on kept getting yanked out and I was free falling to another platform clinging, hoping this was going to be the new start with trust.
((HUGS)) lady. Sometimes it felt like I was the only one who was fighting for the family. It's deeper than pixels, it's about the foundations of the marriage. Honesty is not always easy, but it sure allows solid ground to build upon. Hang in there and tuck into God. The Lord brought me to the point I could stand on Ephesians 6 the Armor of God. He knows what is needed for your marriage.
Inger
Edited by OvercomingthruHim on 02/05/2010 13:24
Fear and lies fester in darkness. The truth may wound, but it cuts clean.
God so loves YOU!!! |
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