So, I caught him again. He had been staying at work later than usual. Got suspicious. Found some items on the credit card bills. We were already in counseling because it had been revealed that his father molested all of his borthers and sisters but him. So he tells the counselor he is going to load accountability software on all computers and either call the counselor our main counselor recommended or he was going to do the course from Pure Life ministries. Well, it has been two weeks and we are getting ready to go back to our main counselor, He has only loaded software on work computer and has not called the other counselor or started the course. I really do not think he will finish the course because he is so busy. So I try to gently confront him about the fact that he had not followed through and he got defensive and gave me a sob story about him working 13 hours a day. Now, this particular day he had worked thirteen hours, but he has had time and has been coming home earlier than he ever has before. He does make time for the things he wants to do. I told him we were talking about how our marriage was going to be in the future if he doesn't do this and he basically told me that his work is more important than our marriage. He has not talked to our pastor and has not asked his brother to be his accountability partner, yet. I have seen him do this over and over. Make promises and then not follow through. He acts like everything is normal and makes me feel guilty for even bringing the subject up. He also volunteered to teach another thing at church on Sudnay nights. I do not believe he has been doing his devotions regulary. He is in a position of authority at church and acts like his addiction is not a conflict with his responsibilities. When I confronted him with the credit card bills he promised to do whatever it took to get over his addiction. I am thinking that I gave in too fast. I think maybe I should have stayed in a hotel for a couple of days to show him how serious this is. Now, I feel like he is going to try to handle it on his own again which never works. He will fall again and we will be repeating this all over again. We are days away from completing our adoptin home study. I am feeling now that we should delay this until he gets serious about getting help. AM I crazy! I know this is a lot, but need to know if I am looking at this the wrong way. I just cannot trust him any more.
But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Math 19:26
Well he is behaving like an sex addict. Fairly typical behavior unfortunately. Let me share something with you that is sad but it's very true:
Love will not get your husband free from his addiction. Love will not get him to move and take action, love alone isn't enough. Pain is the key. Let me explain.
Sex addicts are deeply sick. We are caught up in a chemical and spiritual trap. If love was enough none of us would have stayed in our addiction. I used to beat myself up all the time that if I just love my wife more I would never continue in my sin. The pull of porn was just too strong, porn was how I dealt with life and chemically I was trapped and overcome.
My wife could cry and plead with me but it never stopped me. I hated myself but the pull was too strong. So what got my attention? PAIN! My wife put together some boundaries that risked everything. She simply said "you have to choose, I want this marriage but I'm not sharing you with porn so you must choose"
It took me getting thrown out of my home twice but I finally admitted to myself that the party was over. I simply wasn't going to get away with doing porn anymore or it would cost me my marriage, my kids, and possibly my life. The cost got to high...porn simply wasn't that satisfying or fulfilling.
That is the point that your husband has to get to for him to start getting healed up. The cost of doing porn has to be so painful that he feels it isn't worth it anymore. That is why I think all this stuff should come out in the open. The church leadership should know, family should know, friends should know. Others might disagree with me but what does a wife have to lose? If he continues privately in his sin and she continues to "forgive" and allow him to live with her then the price of doing porn is pretty cheap. You have to make the price of doing porn very, very expensive.
Check out my essay on boundaries which is at the top of the forum and let me know what you think.
